Here is a quick refresher of the Barrett/Zaleski (mostly Barrett) family movie rules. They are standing the test of time pretty well, although Nicolas Cage in a strong contender to replace Kevin Costner in rule 4, mostly because of Face/Off. (Never watch this. You’ve been warned.) Let’s see how these eight movies stack up.
The English Patient. In the first 5 minutes, Ralph Fiennes’ biplane is shot down and he is burned beyond recognition, transmogrifying into Lord Voldermort. For the next 157 minutes, I finally understood Elaine Benes’s critique (“Quit telling your stupid story about the stupid desert, and just die already! DIE!”). Ah Elaine, not afraid to break with popular opinion. It’s not a terrible movie, it’s just terribly long. Broken rules: 1) It won 9 Oscars, including Best Picture and the dreaded Cinematography, and 2) It has a run time of almost three hours (why? WHY??).
Spartacus. Spartacus escapes his slavedom, rallies his fellow escaped slaves into forming an army to revolt against a corrupt Roman empire, their revolt fails, and they’re all crucified. The End. (errrr, spoilers ….) On the up side, the casting was magnificent, giving credit where credit is due, no pun intended. Broken Rules: 1) Tops out at 3 hours and 17 minutes and 2) Another 4 Oscars that predictably includes Cinematography. There must be more to Cinematography than long, drawn-out landscape scenes, right? Uuuggggghhhh.
My Fair Lady. Impressive effort was put into trying to ruin this excellent musical. Most significantly, they dubbed the singing of all of the actors who can actually sing, and then didn’t bother dubbing Rex Harrison who speaks all his lyrics because he can’t sing. They also passed on casting Dame Julie Andrews and instead dubbed Audrey Hepburn with a singer who sounds EXACTLY like her. Broken rules: 1) Once again it’s toooooo long at 2 hrs 50 mins, 2) it won 8 Oscars including the Picture/Cinematography combo that is the harbinger of movie awfulness. On a side note, the costumes in the Ascot horse race scene are just WOW!
The African Queen. The title of this movie is a reference to Katharine Hepburn, obviously. By sheer coincidence, the boat Hepburn and Humphrey Bogart ride down the river is also called The African Queen. Unless, hang on, the boat is also named for Katharine Hepburn! The movie was filmed in the heart of the Democratic Republic of Congo and Uganda. Hepburn and Lauren Bacall, who travelled to the location with husband Bogart, both loved Africa despite heat, danger, and illness. Bogart, on the other hand, reportedly hated it. Broken Rules: Humphrey Bogart won his only Oscar for best actor, and for all you trivia buffs, is the last actor born in the 19th century to win.
Clueless. A surprisingly sweet movie about a seemingly shallow high school in-crowd, but it turns out that the Queen Bee, Cher (Alicia Silverstone), just wants everyone to be happy and falls over herself to make that happen. Definitely a way nicer (and nicer looking) in-crowd than what my high school had! Broken rules: none.
Swing Time. This is the first movie I’ve seen that stars the iconic Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. Much of the movie plot seems to be have been stolen by our Christmas favourite, Holiday Inn, including an awkward black face scene that contains plot points crucial enough to the story that if you were to cut the scene you might as well just not show the movie. Which is the choice that a lot of television has apparently made, making this a difficult movie to find. I want to say the choice is unfortunate because this is a beautiful movie to watch, particularly for the dancing. There are times when you’d swear Fred and Ginger’s feet weren’t even touching the floor. Broken Rules: One – it wins the Oscar for best music (and it gets a pass for this).
Miracle on 34th Street. A perfectly Christmas-y court room drama proving Santa is real because the U.S. Post Office delivers him mail. A must-watch movie in the holiday rotation! Broken Rules: Edmund Gwenn won the Oscar for best supporting actor for playing Kris Kringle and it that’s not deserving I don’t know what is.
Cat People. (The one from 1942, not the one from 1982 – this is an important point) A Serbian immigrant thinks she has inherited a Serbian curse that turns her into a murderous panther in moments of intimacy. Her newly-wedded husband is like “cool, we can just never kiss, I love you THAT much”. As a significant psychological horror influencer, this movie is worth a watch. Broken Rules: literally none.