My friend CP gives thoughtful gifts. Not everyone fully appreciates the thought behind these gifts, and that’s ok. But if you are looking to build meaningful connection, and you’re not sure about the gift you’ve been given, you may want to consider asking yourself “how does receiving this gift make me feel” and then having a conversation about it. At least, I think that’s what Brene Brown is trying to say in here.
Atlas of the Heart is … well … an atlas of human emotion and experience. With a very accessible and meaningful approach, Brene breaks down the nuances between emotions such as Happiness versus Contentment, Belonging versus Fitting In, Pity versus Empathy or Sympathy, Shame versus Guilt, Humiliation, or Embarrassment. She provides foundational language that you can use to connect more deeply with people about how you are feeling and why you might be feeling that way.
Belonging is being accepted for you. Fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else.
If you are of my generation (X-ish), you may remember a phase, back in the 90’s maybe, where we were taught a new way to address conflict. It was the framing of our feelings in sentences structured as “when you … I feel …”. This was supposed to be followed with an expression of what you thought your partner was struggling with themselves, then a clarification of your own needs, and finally a concession to work together to do better. In the workplace, at least, this process of structured communication quickly deteriorated into a method of demanding what you wanted in a way that allegedly prevented the other person from being able to counter, because you would lead with your feelings and “nobody could argue” that your feelings weren’t real. So imagine this intended structure: “When you are late for our meetings, I feel frustrated like my time isn’t important. I can imagine you are overly busy and juggling many things, but I really need a partner who can help me with managing my time in a reliable way. Can we work together to come up with a better strategy for meeting the respects both our needs?” Suddenly it becomes this: “When you are late for meetings, I feel frustrated and disrespected, and therefore I need you to start being on time.” And the person speaking thinks their case is won, because “feelings”. Those were not good times for meaningful communication, I’m just going to say! I’m pretty sure this all set me back at least a decade in my own communication skills! now that I think about it, I’m also convinced that this time also saw the rise of the annoying and belittling phrase “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
This beautiful book doesn’t try to structure your sentences or words, or point you down a pre-built road you are expected to follow. One of my favourite things about Brene is that she wants and encourages you to explore your own path, while simply giving you tools that might come in helpful along with way. In fact, the more you fumble around, trying a screwdriver when you should be using a chisel, the more you learn and grow.
What I love most about this book is that it have given us (me and my friend) a common language on which to set our conversations. I, in particular, struggle sometimes to name the emotion that I might be feeling, and I have used this book several times to either look up the emotion and see if it aligns, or to ask my friend “I think I am feeling ashamed” and she can reflect and suggest that perhaps what I might actually be feeling is guilt. Understanding more clearly the emotion I am feeling directs me to the right tools to address it. If I feel guilty, then I suck it up and apologize for my actions. If I feel ashamed, then I need to exercise self-kindness and share my experience with someone empathetic.
Empathy … is understanding what someone is feeling, not feeling it for them. If someone is feeling lonely, empathy doesn’t require us o feel lonely too, only to reach back into out own experience with loneliness so we can understand and connect. Affective empathy, feeling something along with the person who is struggling, is a slippery slope toward becoming overwhelmed and not being able to offer meaningful support.
The best thing I took away from this book was that we can explore emotions with curiosity instead of fear or embarrassment (or shame). For example “I feel this emotion and I am curious about why” versus “I feel this emotion and I am angry and embarrassed by it”. I reference it often – it lives now on my living room coffee table – and receiving this gift makes me feel grateful for the thoughtfulness of my friend.
Thank you Risa for such an lovely and nuanced review of a book that I also love! And you always give thoughtful gifts as evidenced by the most recent one….xoxo